there is truely nothing left for me. the hope that i have left lays in his hands. i have dont the worse, i have damaged our relationship and i am suffering like i have ever suffered before. i deserve all this, i derserve to feel this way for as long as i do. i will never forgive myself. i regret it all. what occured, what happend to me during those two weeks is unspeakable. that simple crush, what overcame me, is beyond who i am, the person that i recognize, how a lightweight crush like that caused me to say the unspeaking, caused me to think the impossible, damagin thoughts, what i said to that guy in just a matter of weeks, i did not mean, because honestly, how can someone suddenly feel that way in a matter of 2 weeks? i dont believe those feelings were real to me. and i still dont. what i know was real were the feelings i felt with the person i love. and i KNOW i love this guy because i am fighting so hard to keep him. to take him back. if only he knew how much i am willing to suffer, how much i will take the hate he throws at me. i will suffer all that, read all the hatred text messages he sends me, and i will take that in and try my best to be strong and continue to show him how much i care for me admist the hate that he feels towards me. and it is just so painful. when i facetime.. all i see are cold eyes, no feelings towards me. and it hurts. beause i use to see life in him, and the pain i see in him, makes me cringe and convulse every night, and i i cant help but cry outloud sometimes, and i hold it in for as long as i possibly can, i dont want to let my roommates see lik this. i feel torn apart. i never wanted somthing lik this to happen. i cry for him, i cry because when i try and see it in his shoes, i feel hurt the same way if that were to happen to me. and i understand now, how he feels, and it just kills me inside. and it DESTROYs me every single day. i just cant let him go. i made a mistake. it was an accident i shouldve realized to catch. i have no one left. there was so much more going on for us. we couldve gone soo farr together, SO FAR! and i just fucked up and messed all that up! and its all my fault!! i think of everything that we have done over the course of 2 years, and i think of every thing that we created together, that we have, i CANNOT let that go. i want to keep cherish those moments, and i want to continue creating more moments like that. please please please forgive me. i feel ur pain, i cant stand this pain, i want to make things better. it was a random crush. my hormones, the pressure of finals, these hard classes ive taken this semester, the distance from home. truely messed up my mindset, i do not love that other guy, i do not care what he is doing now, i do not care how he feels, i do not want to be with him, i do not ever want to see him again, i do not ever. ever. want to feel anything towards him again. and i do not want him to ever come into my life again. if he was a real friend, he would respected my boundaries, that i have a boyfriend. i am full of hatred for this person, i am full of regret that these crush feelngs spurred during that 2 week period. when i think back, and reflect on it now. i did not mean anything that i said to him, and i never took any actions for that. at the end of the day, i knew who i wanted to be with. i want to erase what ever i said away. i want to go to him, face to face, straight up and say, "everything i said was not reall, i did not really mean what i felt in those messages, i just said it cus i thought thats what you wanted to hear, but in truth, it wasnt how i really felt, i thought that was how i felt, but that was because u were being bias and influenced me in the wrong direction. if i did truely did have feelings for you, i wouldve choosen you, but i didnt, because when it comes down to it, i dont like you, ive never felt the same for u, and i will not be with you." if only there was a way, that i can make him see, that those messages i sent, the words that i said, does not mean to the extent that i made it seem. i came to realize, that throughout my relationship with him, i have never made a mistake, i have never done anything wrong within our 2 years, and the frist time that i do so something wrong, i may never get a chance to be with him again... if i was always starting fights, up to no good, thought out the years, i would understand, i just not that this was the frist time, i have ever done anything so bad in our relationship, and i may not get another chance... the feelings that i feel, leading up to friday, my fate, is my punishment. i just hope, there is hope for us as the days progress.