trust issues

After some thought and desolation, I thought I have finally come to the end of my tether.

What is trust? What does it mean (what are the liabilities or rewards in a relationship of trust, be it mutual or unilateral)? How does one know when trust has been established?

In the tradition of Romantic poetry (because, really, everything stems from Romantic poetry, right, Wordsworth?) I have come to a rather self-deprecating conclusion that trust is a mere projection. The idea of trust is an ideal. It is not unlike liberte, egalite, or fraternite. It is not unlike love or truth or justice. It is not unlike God, not unlike the afterlife. Trust is a sensory ideal. It is aspirations mirrored onto something illusory and distant, some far-off haven from which we are (unknowingly) separated for X amount of time.

How has trust helped Othello with Desdemona? Dr Aziz with Mrs Moore? Harry with Dumbledore? And now, I presume - with some degree of accuracy, I know - that you may decide to enlighten me on how it was distrust and not trust that made those cracks. Well, I disagree.

There cannot be an absence of one thing without the previous presence or existence of that thing because presence presupposes absence and absence only becomes absence because that which was meant or intended or supposed to be there was not. I cannot, for example, say "My bus has not arrived" without prior knowledge that the bus was in existence or that, at some point in the near or distant past, it had arrived before now. I cannot say "My mother is not here" without actually having a mother or at least having had a mother (which we all, whether we like it or not, do). And so, although I am sure this has been debated ad nauseam, there cannot be distrust without having had some sketchy idea of trust to begin with.

Then, can there be trust succeeding distrust instead of trust preceding distrust? Can the void be filled? Can any void be filled? (I should think that molecular science would tell me "NO" but who really knows, these days?) Distrust is to trust what shadow is to substance. No, scratch that. Distrust is to trust what darkness is to light. And, as Martin Luther King Jr. once so gracefully initiated, there may not be a chance for light to exist were it not for the fact that darkness first existed.

All I meant to say was, I'm finding it hard to trust.

allaroundbackgroundsound: Nights of the Living Dead - Tilly and the Wall

"We are born so fresh, a golden prize,
until you scrape that knee and quickly realize
that you're lost in a fog on your way to death.
Oh a thick black line, a thick black line.
So you better speak up, better raise that voice.
Come on, scream loud all you girls and boys.
Let's get wild, wild, wild. Let's rejoice.
C'mon, c'mon. I want to hear that fucking noise."

Of course I'm sad. Of course I'm sad, too, to see the way it all unfolded before us.

"once said, no repeat already"

The above is inspired by a friend. No more words need to be said to truly express how that line will forever make me smile.

Back to reality. Term has begun. I say this rather uninspiredly. The second week of school and I'm quite jaded of playing Spot The Freshie in every hallway, queue, and lecture theatre. I'm also still not enamoured with the university's online system (work it, people!). It's grotesque.

But (all things come with one these days) I am thrilled with my timetable. Absolutely darling, it is. I have two days off! TWO! All the better to be a nerd in thsi part of town.

an update for the world

Here, we have an update, albeit a sketchy non-update from the looks of things. To be continued, I say, I say, I say!